Stealing Cinderella

Guy meets girl, girl looks in his intense blue eyes, the world stops spinning, and their fate is sealed in that one first kiss in his arms...sounds simple, right? And then two become one...

But wait, baby makes (three) and jobs make (five) and on and on and on...when you are young, you dream of falling in love, having babies, and living happily ever after...after all that is what dreams are made of, right?

Happily (and on occasion, regrettably) real life is never as cut and dry as Hollywood portrays it to be! Parents split up and move their kids half way around the world (slight exaggeration, I know, but you get the drift), children lose siblings, teens lose friends, spouses fall out of love and leave.

It is easy to walk through life cloaked in ignorance--in fact many people prefer to live that way, but is that truly living? When you stand gazing into the light, a lifetime of "living" behind you, what will you say? What will you feel? Will you laugh, cry, long to run back and live it all over again?

Sounds melodramatic, right, b/c most of us spend each day believing that there will be a tomorrow. We wake up, muddle through our tasks half -heartedly, grumbling about how hard our lives are and how easy Jane Doe up on the Blvd has it...it is easier to believe the grass is greener on the other side when we are gazing at the lawn through dirty windows.

The hard part comes on that cold, frosty morning when we wake up alone wondering what in the hell we have spent the past decades doing, wishing that we would have left the pile of laundry when our spouse teased for a Saturday afternoon romp or our kids pleaded to go run in the rain...

When we are young, we feel invincible, like nothing can take away our joy. Then we grow up and realize that joy, much like love, is a choice rather than a guarantee. We learn that the decisions we make (big and small) each day work like dominoes to either build up or destroy the path of our lives. We see that the only thing trivial about life is how much time we waste worrying and planning rather than just doing.

We don't get to choose how long we are on this earth, and no matter how much we try, we cannot change the past. The older I get, the more I realize that all that matters is today, this moment right now. All the mistakes and achievements, heart aches and joys that I have experienced in my nearly 30 years are what have made me who I am today. To change any of those events would be to destroy the pattern with which I was sewn so intricately and inevitably change the course of history for all those who would have or did cross my path at those times.

It is rarely easy for someone to look in the mirror and find a reflection of their ideal self. Life is not about achieving perfection--a lesson hard learned for me since early childhood. Life is a journey, each step, turn, storm is meant to lead us to the place where we are ready to move on to the next life (be it heaven as I believe, or some other afterlife or a spot under a grassy hill). No matter what you believe about death, living is a universal truth.

Few are lucky enough to have a second chance at living or loving. Those of us lucky enough to have found the love of our lives and built a life with that person ought to be a bit more grateful. Too many times we see the bad in ourselves and our loved ones, yet look for the good in everyone else. We go out of our way to commit random acts of kindness for strangers while our children or spouse or relative stands in the shadows, cloaked in resentment, anger, sadness, or loneliness.

In the past month, I have known a 21 year old student (friend, son, brother, boyfriend, etc) and a 57 year old (wife, mother, aunt etc) to be killed in freak car accidents. Did each wake up that morning and say "Today, I am going to die on my way to work or to see my girlfriend"? No, I would imagine neither did, and yet they are gone. Each one leaving behind a life of joy and kindness and love.

When I first heard of their deaths, I was devastated for the friends and family left behind (as I knew both of them, though one not as personally as the other). "Why?" is always the first and most frequent question asked. I don't think it is for us to try and determine why it was someone's time to go. I think there is always a lesson to be learned by the passing of a fellow human being--each one being as unique as the person and his/her life.

It is easy to pass by the obvious message, which is that life is a mystery and our goal should not be to conquer or solve, but to explore and enjoy. When I die, I want to be remembered for who I truly was, not who people thought me to be. I want people to smile and remember all the laughter and love and even the terrible times that were made tolerable only b/c my presence, compassion, and /or insight somehow was able to lessen or at least temporarily subside their pain.

My life has not always been easy. The older I get, the more difficult the challenges I face and the more strenuous the climbs I have to make. I have spent much of my life trying to please others, holding on to the past, and just worrying about the future.

Today I woke up sad, but oddly peaceful. I told myself that today I am just me and whoever that is, is okay. I gave myself permission to feel what I may, to say what I must, and to take time to just be--something which has never been easy for me.

This past year has been one of the most stressful and frustrating ones of my life. I have seen sides of myself I hated and sides that I loved and missed dearly. I have made decisions that I never thought I would have the strength to make. And yet, I know that none of this matters in the end.

I know that the times spent walking barefoot in the summer sand and crunchy fall leaves with my daughters, listening to them singing off key in a chorus as they parade around the house in high heels and dresses two sizes too big, are the magic of motherhood to me.

As many times as my heart as been shattered and broken seemingly beyond repair throughout my life, I cannot say I ever truly understood or experienced love-- until that first kiss with my husband on that chilly October afternoon, when he wrapped me in his arms and looked at with me with a depth that said "No matter what, I will never leave you or stop loving you." and I felt my heart beat with a depth that both hurt and hungered me.

Hollywood has nothing on real life or love. It is not roses and candlelight that deepen or dampen love. It is the feel of my husband's rough skin as his foot rubs lazily against mine in the morning light, and the nights we lay awake till 3 am loving each other even though we had to wake in just a few short hours, the times he brushes a hair from my face b/c my hands are caked with dough, and sends me a quote b/c he knows I am sick or lonesome or having a bad day. This is love for me.

Sadly, these are the things that are so easy to forget until they are gone, and yet so deeply ingrained upon our hearts that one single day without any of them would be like trying to breathe without air. It is natural to take people for granted, but just as with love and joy, we all have a choice each day as to how we will face our lives and those we love. Today, I choose to love, to let my happy feet dance--no matter how sore they feel, and to take back my right and duty to live rather than just passing through life oblivious and unmoved♥

“If my ship sails from sight, it doesn't mean my journey ends, it simply means the river bends.” ~John Enoch

Elusive...

"...tending to evade grasp or pursuit, hard to comprehend or define..." (Merriam-Webster's Collegiate, 10th ed.)...Elusive...

Snow coated the barren limbs, attempting to protect them from the icy claws of winter. Beautiful as diamonds in the sunshine, the little crystal flakes flitted like fairies onto the frozen brown earth below...and yet the wonder of winter was not enough for the trees, who longed to bury themselves in the warmth of the newly budding spring leaves on their branches--to be rescued from the painful exposure winter inevitably brings.

Like trees, we are all forced to endure the cyclical seasons of our lives, our relationships, and even ourselves. I may go to sleep one night, spring in my hands, and awake to a blizzard in my heart. It is inevitable that the longer we live, the more seasons we will face, the more barring we must endure to our soul, the more stripping and blossoming our hearts must undergo.

We are flowers in this great garden God has created. Some of us more beautiful, some more hardy, some lasting endless seasons, others disappearing with the first fall frost. We all desire and require the same things to survive, no matter how long our season is: nourishment, love, cleansing, and warmth.

It is easy to look at a garden and spot the prettiest flower. So often we find the prettiest is the first to fade, never to be seen again. Then, as time passes, we find ourselves longing for its beauty, so we set out in search of that elusive replacement--that seed or bulb that will instantly sprout and blossom, filling our hearts with the beauty and magic we so crave.

All the while, the garden grows around us, each day passing by new buds, fighting to blossom and be noticed. We half-heartedly weed, water, and feed the garden, our hearts and minds still clinging to that elusive flower of yesterday.

Weeks go by and it rains daily, water blackening once gray streets and sidewalks, huddling in puddles on crowded driveways--praying for the sun to return. When it does, we dash outside, basking in the glory of the renewed promise and warmth. We walk by the garden as we have done so many days before, only this time, something catches our eye, causes us to pause, then stop and stare. For in the midst of the familiar, we see something new, something so simplistic, it almost seems surreal, and yet, its beauty and design is so unique, so enchanting, we cannot help but lean in to touch it, knowing that our hearts and minds will never be the same again once we do.

So many times in life we view dreams, feelings, relationships as elusive, unreachable--shooting stars that pass by our eyes once or twice, but will never truly be ours to embrace or enjoy. We spend so hours, days, years wishing, hoping, praying for something, someone, some feeling from the past to return to us, to restore within in us that feeling of wholeness, that connection to the universe, that spirit of aliveness that we never can quite seem to bottle and keep.

We go to bed each night, hopeful that we will awake to find our dreams knocking at our door, on bended knee, begging to be let in. One day we wake up and realize that unlike people, dreams are not tangible until we give them life. That it is impossible to wish something into reality. That instead of wasting minutes, days, years of our lives hoping for our future to be dropped into our laps, we must set goals, work hard, and fight for what we believe in.

While driving one winter afternoon, I saw a hawk fly from a tree above some nearby vineyards. It was one of the most amazing things I had ever seen. I was determined to get a picture of one and spent nearly two years pulling off dirt roads, the I-90, etc desperately trying to get that shot.

Finally I realized that it was impossible to capture a hawk, as they are much more eloquent at being elusive than I am at pursuit, so I resigned myself to the fact that if I was meant to get the picture, I would when the time was right.

One fall afternoon, I was walking out of the bathroom with my three young daughters when I heard a loud rustle in a nearby tree. I looked up just in time to see the beauty above, posed most graciously on a limb, surrounded by the splendor of autumn.

I grabbed my ever ready camera from the stroller and being taking pictures. With each click of the shutter I became more and more enchanted with this magnificent creature. The hawk gazed down at me, amused by my admiring, then swiftly flew off into the horizon...leaving its image as a reminder that to every season there is a reason and rhyme...

Seasons...

Autumn has always been a time for reflection and appreciation for me--knowing that a new year lies ahead and that this one soon shall pass...

It is funny how sometimes the seasons can sneak up on you. You are driving along in the sunshine, blue skies beckoning, and then suddenly...leaves are falling at your feet and you are standing barefoot in the first frost.

Today I feel as though Autumn is in my heart. The past year has been one full of trials and tribulations, both within myself and with others. I have felt the renewal of spring's first blossoms, tasted the salt of summer's bitter heat, and now stand in the judgment of fall's first frost.

It seems as though the older you get, the more friendships become seasons. Some stay a while, while others leave as abruptly as a first snow fall on Halloween. Each one bringing with them a new perspective or lesson.

Being a habitual fixer and one who is always saddened when someone (suddenly and not so subtly) deletes me from their life, my first impulse is (always) to write to the person and inquire as to what I did to upset them. For the first time in my life, though, I am resisting the urge to do that.

I remind myself that I am on a journey towards change that this time does not allow me to go back down that familiar road of reconciliation. Instead, I am teaching myself to move on. To accept that there is a season to every relationship in our lives, that people come and go, just as a spring rainstorm or winter snowflake--in time, each melts away to make room for the next.

If we are lucky, we find friends and relationships that stay with us for years--lifetimes even. More often than not, though, friends are as fleeting as a spring breeze--they pass by and sometimes even stay a bit, then just as quickly become a fragrant memory of days gone by.

And so, I walk on, past that old comfortable road of yesterday, and instead look towards the winding dirt path in front of me--hoping and praying that today I will grow so that tomorrow I will not be sad when a breeze blows on by without stopping to say goodbye... knowing that someday that may breeze pass by again , though likely it will not; either way, I have the memories and lessons to carry with me...

Rainy Days and Mondays...

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon

I awoke this morning with a terrible cold, and a deep sickness in the pit of my stomach--something that should have screamed to me, "Do not leave this warm, dark cavernous quilt..."; but sadly, it did not. And, as fate would have it, the day only got progressively worse from there, which is why I now sit, typing randomly through swollen, tear beaten eyes wondering how on earth I am going to take this package to the PO with any dignity whatsoever.

It would not be so bad if I did not know every single (counter) employee by face and name...and if they did not know me by name and business name, no less! *sigh* But, I prayed and the Lord answered, and so I know this is the sacrifice for what I asked of him. I cannot complain of the pain of an answered prayer b/c I know deep in my heart this was the way it was meant to be. I just did not realize that it would come so swiftly and sharply--like a bat diving at my heart from the darkened, worn eaves of the attic...

...I suppose it is not how many times we fall, but whether we have the courage to get back up that really matters.

Mountains or Grains of Sand...

We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. ~Anais Nin

To those who read, but do not themselves write, writing is a romantic endeavor; but for those of us who have written our whole lives, writing is like breathing---sometimes it fills you with life, others you feel as though you are suffocating--but no matter what, you know that it is an essential part of your daily existence b/c to be without it would be death to your soul.

Writing not only enables us to re-live moments and relationships, but it is the magic that allows us to manipulate and transform mountains into grains of sand...to take a dream and turn it into reality for a character. To take a heart ache and bleed it from your soul. To take a joy and give it wings so that it can fly ever more into eternity--in ink.

I love apricots, the mere scent of them, makes my mouth water and my heart pound. I do not recall the first time I ate an apricot, nor do I have some beautiful love story that began with its first bite, and yet, it exists within me.

Living as I do in NY, apricots are one of the many fruits that are seasonal, and as such, the time I am able to indulge in them is fleeting since canned apricots just do not do it for me! So, in the absence of their presence, I have two choices: to suffer miserably, longing for the return of spring and summer OR to write their succulence into permanency-- such that even as I swallow the last bite of decadence, I can savor every morsel, pen binding it to my senses, as ink drying upon pulp...

Awakenings...

August has been a month of re-awakenings for me...as though I was a bear slumbered in hibernation, finally waking to the warmth of springtime...

So, today, I set out upon a new journey, destination unknown and unseen, but desire in place. A week or so ago, I awoke with a book title in mind, something which had alluded me for the past two years. From there came chapter titles and outlines, and the ink has not stopped flowing since.

I have written since I was five or six years old, using crayon, pencil, pen...anything that would bleed my soul into permanency on paper...and yet, there has always been a reservation, a hesitation towards total divulgence even in my writing...until today.

Today is a day of complete, sweet surrender...a promise to expose my soul, to breathe, devour, and dream in words, such that I may awake each day to find another piece of myself revealed, another desire evoked, another depth of connection achieved... so begins one woman's journey toward finding herself in this crazy maze we know as life...

Oh, SNAP!

I am feeling inspired this morning due to a nasty wind and rain storm that stole hours of sleep from me...

So I am back and my fingers can barely keep up with the thoughts racing to become reality here on the blog! This is my haven, where I can ramble, write, and post pics that shout to me!

I am working on setting up a blog to satisfy my eco friendly, plantable obsession and help Greetings that Grow™ get its legs and start running! Its birth date is TBA at this point! Just in case you aren't sure what Greetings that Grow™ are, take a peek at the picture above...I made it as a freebie to include in a recent order for a customer who likes robots.

I have to give credit to GoGreenbeans who inspired me to grow in and stretch my artistic abilities and limits...first green bean people, now Valentine robots...stay tuned...